Four tips to own your confidence

In this article, Redvespa Senior Consultant Pam Wright explores the ebbs and flows of confidence. Leaning on her experience as a consultant Business Analyst, Pam shares four tips for reclaiming and boosting your confidence.

Ever feel like your confidence comes and goes?

One day you're on top of the world, the next you're struggling to keep your head above water.
Don't worry, you're not alone.

Some people are born with a never ending supply of confidence that just can’t be dented, others have to work at maintaining a healthy level of confidence. Some are impeded by the thoughtless actions of others and some are their own worst enemy when it comes to maintaining confidence.

However all is not lost, those who have gone before us have proved that dents to our confidence can be overcome and smoothed out, paving the way for greatness.

Introducing Eleanor

Eleanor Roosevelt is one such person. Born and raised in America, some will know Eleanor only as the First Lady to President Franklin Delaney Roosevelt’s (FDR). Like many women in history, Eleanor Roosevelt was much more than that. She was an achiever in her own right who overcame the controlling actions of others that must have impacted her confidence at times. As a child in New York city she was “raised by her harsh and critical maternal grandmother, who damaged Eleanor’s self-esteem. ¹”

Then, after marrying her distant cousin, Eleanor found herself “under the thumb of her controlling mother-in-law, Sara Roosevelt, who, like her grandmother earlier, was harsh in her criticism of her daughter-in-law.²” 

Surely, such a start in life and constant criticising would break a person’s self-esteem and reduce their confidence to the point where they would never try anything. But it would seem this only inspired Eleanor on to greatness.

Eleanor not only overcame these critics and controllers, she went on to write 3000 articles in newspapers and magazines. She served as a delegate to the United Nations, chairing the UN  Human Rights Commission and helping write the UN’s 1948 Declaration of Human Rights (pictured above, holding it). These achievements would be a big deal today, let alone in the 1940s, and they’ve contributed to the legacy of a woman who is remembered as a prominent humanitarian.

We may not hold positions in public offices (...or maybe you do?), but it’s important we recognise our own worth, whatever our status in life. We need to be in charge of our own destiny; listening and learning from others as we go but not to the detriment of our wellbeing.

Below are five tips and tricks which have helped me replenish my confidence levels and overcome the impact of the people and moments which deplete them. It isn’t comprehensive, but I hope they’re useful for you.

1. Recognising your worth, & kicking “but”

In a circular sense, confidence grows confidence. The more we attempt and achieve, the more confidence we gain to attempt new things. If we never attempted anything, what would we achieve and how would our confidence ever grow?

Attempt and Achieve could be seen as the first pieces in the confidence puzzle. The final part of the puzzle is Acknowledge, and this might be the hardest piece to place for many of us.

Often, we take for granted our achievements and don’t acknowledge our own successes. Have you ever felt the satisfaction of achievement and how it boosts your confidence? That satisfaction comes from being able to acknowledge your accomplishment, and it’s an important part of boosting our confidence.

When we discount our achievements, we also open the tap to letting some of our confidence go.  One way to stop the outward flow of our confidence is to accept compliments and just say “thanks”.

The book, “Inner Critic to Inner Coach” talks about the downside of adding “but” in our responses.

For example, the CEO gives you feedback on a project you have just completed,
“Hey there, you did a great job on that project.”

You respond,
“Thanks, but I missed a couple of key issues.”

How about instead, try saying,
“Thanks very much.”

Remember that you did a good job and so enjoy that vote of confidence. Accept the compliment and bank the confidence.

2. Introducing distraction

Confidence can be considered tidal – one minute you are full of confidence then, just as quickly, your confidence can drain away whether by a minor failure, other’s words, or just your disposition on the day. 

Try introducing distractions; look forward to and enjoy something you relish doing. A tough day in the office may be finished with a swim in the pool or a workout at the gym, time with the family, or walking the dog.

Distractions can keep the tide from draining our confidence away.

Distraction techniques tend to be quite active by design, this is supported by Sports New Zealand advocating “Exercise is also one of the best techniques to attain mental toughness. In addition to boosting self-esteem, endurance and energy, being physically fitter means being mentally tougher.”

If you are not into exercise, then try writing down three things that made you feel good today.

I tried this and it really did work. Anything qualifies and some days my list was overflowing there were way more than three items.

Things like: I rode 5km along the new bike path, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen for 18 months.

I tried this tip for a week and, suddenly, I was finding I could cope with other issues at work that would normally knock my confidence. I learnt more about perception, how I see things and how I let things impact me. These were all minor items and really only important to me, but they lifted my spirits and with that my confidence.

As an aside, keep your perceptions in check. Step out of Disneyland and into reality, just because that is how you interpreted a comment it may not be how it was intended. Be careful how you interpret what you hear.

3. Fostering curiosity

Our confidence can become depleted through our perception of failure, so fostering curiosity is another way to develop confidence. In fact, curiosity is a quiet superpower that can really boost confidence.

As you participate through curiosity, people begin to see you as having something to offer. Build up your relationship building skills by asking people questions - you can start by finding one question which feels safe, and then build up your question library. This tip particularly applies to those who don't dance on tables, the quiet ones. Showing an interest in others is a discreet way of sharing your potential and as a bonus you have an opportunity to gather information on new areas of interest.

Curiosity is not just asking questions, it can also include approaching problems with an open and inquisitive attitude. Try to see challenges or mistakes as opportunities to learn. Consider feedback and events from alternative perspectives.

By leaning into curiosity, you shift from “I can’t do this” to “I wonder how this works,” and that simple shift is what gives confidence a solid foundation. Curiosity makes learning feel approachable, and as you gather more knowledge, confidence naturally follows.

4. The impact of others

Be aware how other people can have an impact on your confidence if you let them. They may be critical of you; they may be vying for attention at your expense, or they may be just overly confident and don’t realise how harmful their words might be. 

"Comparison is the thief of joy." How true. I am not sure who originally said that but I fervently believe it is worth remembering.

Avoid comparing yourself to others, to preserve your confidence.  

Consider that your achievements may differ to others, your light may shine in an alternative direction. While you are comparing yourself to others you may not recognise the achievements that you have reached, with that in mind step up and put yourself forward. 

Similarly, kindhearted and well-intentioned people will tell you, you must learn to ignore unnecessary noise. It is easy to say,  ignore the critics, but I will be the first to  admit that it is hard advice to follow. A good start might be to recognise the impactors for who they are and that there is nothing wrong with you.

You need to keep in mind that harsh words may hurt you at the time they are dispensed, however after they have been said let them go, because you are likely the only one who remembers the exchange and you have allowed your confidence to be dented. 

Keep using your skills and showing others your capability. Let the harsh words be their problem not yours. 

Here are a few words that are worth remembering from Dr Seuss “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.”

Be like Eleanor

Confidence is such a fundamental part of our lives, and everyone has a right to confidence. Sometimes we are gifted it but, more often, we need to generate it ourselves.

Maybe it’s as simple as exercising, eating well, or getting more sleep. It has been scientifically supported that there is nothing like a good sleep to boost self-confidence. 

Or perhaps try a few distractions. The above tips are opportunities to build confidence, remembering though that the answer may lie in your own hands or sometimes you need to be open to accepting a little help from your friends.

The negative influences of childhood or constant critiquing by those around us can often be enough to make us feel like failures if we listen. 

This is the time where you can choose to take a back seat and quietly accept your perception of how others see you and your self worth or rather worthlessness. Or like some of those who have gone before us you can choose to fight through negativity and replenish your confidence.

You only need to look backat Eleanor Roosevelt to see what can be achieved when we push through the dark times.

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‍^{1 , 2} From National Women’s History Museum at www.womenshistory.org/education-resources/biographies/eleanor-roosevelt‍